A LOVE LETTER TO MY SON
My darling Son Joshua,
HAPPY 40th BIRTHDAY!
I am writing this at 11.42 am on Thursday 2nd March 2017.
You were born at 12.11 pm on Wednesday 2nd March 1977.
So, forty years ago, I was nearing the end of what was considered to be a ‘text book labour’, where everything went perfectly. I was worn out though, and so was your Dad, who never left me – except to do a wee - from the moment I experienced my first labour pain about twelve hours earlier. He hunched over me, held my hand, loved me, massaged me and kept me focussed on the very important task of delivering you – especially towards the end, when I just wanted to give up and go home.
After twelve hours of labour, you slipped out into the world and into the waiting arms of your Dad, who placed you on my belly and in that moment our lives changed completely, and forever. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and I thought I would burst with love for you and for Dad.
That was the best day of my life. I looked into your eyes and I knew I would die for you.
Nothing prepared me for the exquisite beauty of my newborn babe. My heart burst like a dam, and a tsunami of love overwhelmed me. I had never experienced such an intensity of love, such immensity of love, before or since. I was ravished and ravaged by that love in the next few challenging months, you were so tiny and so vulnerable, and I knew nothing about being a Mum, despite the dozens of books I had devoured and all the classes we had attended. But you taught me – and continue to teach me – so many things. I was so far away from my own Mother and my family in Africa, and being responsible for your life and your dependency on me consumed my every thought and filled me with a fire. I became a fierce protective lioness, and I was shocked by an inner understanding that I could and would kill to protect you from anyone or anything. There were many times I could not sleep for fear that something would happen to you. I was drawn to you like a magnet and I could not take my eyes off you. I loved the smell of your hair and your skin, I watched your breath rise and fall, your little fingers open and shut, your legs kick, rejoiced in your first smile and your first step and your first word - and marvelled that there had never, ever been, or never ever could be, a baby as beautiful, as sweet, as clever or as longed for and beloved as you were. You challenged me on every level to be the best person, the best mother, the best role model that I could be, and I strived to be the Very Best Mother I could be. I know there were many times I failed - but from you I learned so much about life and love, and I discovered I could do things I never thought possible – simply because I was your mother. Mothering you made me realise how strong and resilient I am, that there was nothing I could not or would not do for you. You made me a wiser, kinder, more loving person.
I remember you breaking your heart and sobbing out your desire to live with Dad after he and I had been separated for some years. You were so afraid of hurting me, and didn’t know how to tell me that was what you wanted, until I asked you directly. You kept hugging me and telling me how much you loved me - AND Dad. You went to Melbourne a couple of days later, and then I broke my heart, I was sick with grief, and went to bed for a week and never stopped crying. The hole in my heart and in my life was unfillable, I grieved for the loss of you. You came back seven months later, and shortly after that, Dad and I reunited, so our story had a happy ending, for which I am profoundly and forever grateful. Your Father is the love of my life, my solid rock and the finest man I know – I am grateful for his love and strength and ability to forgive. But I am so sorry I caused you pain Son. I hope you forgive me. I hope it’s made you a stronger, more resilient man.
You have brought us forty years (and nine months – even our pregnancy was a perfect one) of great love and moments of joy so profound I still weep at the beauty of those memories.
You have achieved so much in your life and Dad and I are so proud of you, for so many reasons. You have never given us much to worry about. Apart from the first five years, when you hardly ever slept - that was a tough time for me in learning how to mother you. Thankfully, I recall only one night when you never came home and I paced the floor till dawn, making phone calls and crying and making pacts with God to keep you safe. Dad and I have always trusted you to do the right thing, and even in your sometimes foolish teenage years, you generally did. You showed good judgement, and even as a child, you were considered in your approach to things, you showed a steadiness, a quiet steely determination. And you were always responsible and a good negotiator – I still have the ‘proposals’ you wrote to Dad and I when there was something you wanted to do or have! I am forever grateful for the support you gave me in every single World Youth International Bike Ride and Overseas Leadership Programmes I led, and all the travelling we did together. You were such a fantastic and inspiring role model to my participants, and there were a few hairy moments when things would not have turned out as well as they did, without your input, integrity and leadership. You were a natural leader and always had a natural affinity for children especially those younger than you, and you were The Pied Piper to children in Oberon Crescent. Our house was always filled with the neighbourhood kids and your friends – the background sounds of the basketball whacking through the net and bouncing on the driveway was comforting, familiar, like music to my ears. I so loved the noisy chaos of those times.
You were the sun and the moon and the stars to my Mom and Dad, your Granny and Gramps. There was nobody in the world they loved more than you, and their pride in you was limitless. You gave them so much joy, and you were always thoughtful. Thank you so much for that, Son. I loved watching you in the pool together, or listening to Gramps’ stories or poems, and your evident enjoyment when he played his mouth organ. You always asked about his life, and some of his proudest moments were marching with you in the Anzac Day Parades. My Mom thought you were God’s Gift to Mankind. Your gentle, sweet ways with her, your appreciation of her generous, loving heart and her energy, her food and her love of you and our family, filled my cup to overflowing. You were even kind to Nana, who we all know could be a pain in the rear …… God rest her soul!!! I loved that you were one of the last people to see them both alive, and I loved that you came to be with me the night your Granny died, sitting beside her in death and weeping with me, holding her hand and mine. You were such a source of comfort to me. Your name is engraved in heaven and on my heart for that act of love.
You have grown into exactly the kind of man we hoped you would be. You have strong values and you live your life with integrity. You are open to new ideas and new experiences. I have always admired your curiosity about life, and your determination. You are a gentle and compassionate man with an eye for justice. You are kind, insightful, and loyal. Your friendships are strong, and reflect all that is good about you. You are fun to be with, and can be very funny, you’re smart and very generous with your time, your skills and your love. You have never wanted fancy clothes or fancy cars or fancy restaurants, you have never sought the limelight nor chased the dollar. You are clear about what you want and what you don’t want. You were creative from a very early age, and it shows in how you think, and in the outstanding work you do – but you are skilled at so many things. And you KNEW from a very early age, exactly what you wanted to do. You have a capacity for hard work and relentless long hours - always fuelled by your passion for film and music and photographs - that is truly remarkable. You are pursuing your dreams, and have successfully accomplished in life. You are on the right path, Son.
Thank you for choosing us to be your parents. It has been my absolute honour and privilege to be your Mother. We have been blessed with you Joshua. When it’s our time to leave this planet, know in your heart that our love and our spirit will always be here with you.
We love you in this life, and forever.