COACHING HOMEWORK FROM SESSION # 4

Carole Sandberg – 18th July 2000

ACTIONS:

GOAL 1.

BEING COMPLETE WITH MY SIBLINGS

1. WRITE A VISION OF HOW IT WOULD LOOK, I.E. “IT’S OCTOBER 2000 AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SUSAN AND IAN IS ….

“Today is the 15th November, 2000 and it is my 51st birthday!   Tonight, Gerald, Joshua, Isis, Mom and Dad, and I are going out to dinner to celebrate.   On Saturday, Ed is having a birthday party in my honour.   I have completed my Olympic Agreement – what a great job that was, how much fun, and clearly an honour to represent my country.   (I even learned a bit more Italian!)     Inspired by my “Olympic Experience”  I led the World Youth International Training Program for our Co-Ordinators a month ago  – and raised the standard of our training procedures to a whole new level.   People completed after 3 days, inspired and in action, saying what a life altering experience it has been – I cannot wait to see the results on “our” children in Nepal, Kenya, and China.    I am preparing to leave for Nepal with a group of teenagers in 17 days ……     Aaargghhh! – (this is a wail of tremendous anticipation and excitement, and a real fear around the huge responsibility this is – to be entrusted with people’s beloved children, and take care of them as your own for 2 months, including climbing a very big mountain!)   On previous programs, I have completely fallen in love with “my” teenagers – we always become “family” - and find it hard to separate on our  return home.   They fall in love with me, too, after a rocky start.   It is invariably a rocky start, when they flex their muscles and try to flout the rules.  I let them know I’m absolutely committed to their causing miracles, and I tell them “I’m a tough cookie – don’t mess with me!”   It’s essential to cause the ground rules from day one.    If they don’t like me, that will be OK – but I am on their side, and committed to them WINNING, being happy, leaving the quality of life of the community enhanced when we leave,  and that they have the best possible fun they can!  By Week Two, they get an insight into this – but I get to be the Bad Guy before that.

I think about these things, whilst I am getting ready.   (Will I wear the leopard skin strappy number or the red slinky?)   And about love, and about family.   How blessed I am!   What a glorious marriage:   my rock, my joy, my centre of my life: my husband, Gerald.   Nearly 32 years married.   Separated for 7. Created a whole new marriage 12 years ago!    Joshua, nearly 24, a heart that’s kind and good and loving, an intelligent and questioning mind, generous, with arms that hug easily and frequently, articulate and a movie maker!   Lip to lip kissing with his Mom and Dad, (even in the basketball courts, surrounded by testosterone and sweaty armpits.)   Drop dead gorgeous too.  Two loving parents who adore me and my men, whose lives we have been privileged to share in, fully and completely, in the most intimate ways, for 18 years in Australia, and who I have always known are an absolute gift to me.  They are so proud of us Grooms.   They support us totally, cheering loudly from the sidelines, literally and figuratively, at every opportunity.   We’ve all had difficult times, and delightful times, we’ve cried, (but we’ve laughed much, much more), and how lucky Josh has been to have his Gran and Gramps contribute to his life, and help to shape him into the man he is today.   Gerald is the perfect son, although he is the son-in-law.   My mother was his mother’s best friend, and she promised Freda she would always love Gerald like her own, and she has.    And he has loved her and Dad right back.   He’s not too big on words, but on actions, he’s the best.    (Not to mention the tens of thousands of dollars he has contributed to their life and wellbeing).   

(I should have had a colour put through my hair to get rid of the grey)  I am satisfied and challenged in a job I adore with World Youth International, creating opportunities for people to live life passionately and contribute to the global community.   I am regarded the status somewhat of “guru” in the organisation, much loved and respected – a privileged position.    My counselling and coaching practise is successful, and my clients are appreciative and refer others.   I am half way through my Diploma of Professional Counselling, which has been on the back burner for a while through my many other commitments.   I will leave it there until my return from Nepal in early February, and take up the quill with a passion.

(A glass of wine and a bubble bath perhaps?)   My friends.   I can never fully describe the wonder of my community – a community Gerald and I created after arriving in Australia 27 years ago with 4 tea chests and $2000.    Kind, creative, gentle, passionate people who love and nurture – themselves,  their partners and me – and allow me to contribute in return.   Generous people, with great spirit, and huge commitment, whose mouths and limbs speak the same language – they do what they say, and have helped me raise well over a hundred thousand dollars for our school in Nepal!    Straight speaking people, who tell me when I am a pain in the arse, and demand I do the same to them.   People with whom I have cried with joy, and wept with despair and heartache, who have trusted me enough to show me their dark sides, and who have been brave enough to abseil off the Harbour Bridge with me, traverse1300 km bike rides in partnership, and courageous enough to be leaders in Landmark together. 

(Wrinkles in the magnifier make up mirror.   They’re OK actually.   I don’t mind them.   A map of my life, someone once said.)     I live in a beautiful home in Gordon, filled with antiques, clothes enough for three women, two motor cars, overseas holidays, some fine pieces of beautiful jewellery, and money in the bank.    We have a home in the country called Yellow Dog Farm that is the most peaceful, beautiful place I know.   I even have a wee beach on the dam, which Gerald created, in my honour.  “Sandy Beach”!   Some women get off on diamonds.   I get off on beaches – and who else has a beach named after them!!!?   We have a yellow dog, called Geordie, a golden retriever, and a cat called Whisper, who dominates the shit out of the dog (and everybody else) but manages to be greatly loved despite that.

I’m fit, strong, well, and have lots of energy and so does Gerald.   (Perhaps we’ll put Buddy Holly on before we go and have a “rock”?) 

Yes indeed, I am blessed.   There was no birthday card from Ian, as there hasn’t been for probably 20 years, and I didn’t expect one.   There was a phone call from Susan.   A little awkward, but sincerely wished.   It feels OK like this.    I haven’t died because I haven’t got a wonderful relationship with either of them, and the nagging pain, like a dull toothache, of the reality of my relationship with my brother and sister, is receding.    But sharp jabs still hurt.   With Ian, in truth, it receded a couple of years ago.  With Susan, I’ve wanted her to be someone she never wanted to be.   I’ve wanted her to want the kind relationship I want, and she hasn’t.   I’ve had expectations and have been constantly disappointed, not surprisingly.   I’ve made her wrong for not wanting to love me the way I want to love her.    I have inched myself to myself to freedom over the last few months, too scared to let go entirely of “a relationship at any price with my sister” – but slowly releasing my expectations, disappointments, willing to give up being a martyr to the cause, ceaselessly causing, unstoppable, never letting go. It’s strange to set the same ideals for my friends and Gerald, Josh, Mom and Dad as I do with Ian and Susan.   I’ve always made allowances for their behaviour:   allowing them to vent their rage on me, doing all manner of things to earn their affection, born the brunt of their thoughtless ways, and taken up the “slack” with the folks when they proved unwilling -  and tolerated all of it in the name of “love”.   I actually trained them that it was OK for them to be this way with me – when there isn’t anyone else in the world I would accept that kind of behaviour from.    I can feel proud of myself.     My ego took a bashing for a while there.   I did not want to accept I could not make a difference to my siblings.    That’s been a real eye-opener.   Not even me, the Guru Groom, can make a difference to EVERYBODY!!!    I get something now that would have increased my statistics leading the SELP - I cannot make a difference to someone unless they are willing to be made a difference TO!!!    Me, who teaches that stuff all the time, blinded to it myself, arrogant in my belief, if I kept going long enough, it would have a happy ending.    It’s liberating not having to cause something any more, not being responsible for their anger anymore, and not to willingly put myself in the firing line anymore.   Its respectful to accept their choice and quit foisting what I want on to them.

(Is this mascara waterproof?   Those speeches always cause a tear or two!)   So here I am, ready for a party.   An OK looking broad.    Cherished by my two handsome men,  both glammed up and ready to take me out for the night.   Lovely Isis - youthful and smooth and sexy, shares my son with me generously, but her eyes hold him tight.   My husband’s eyes tell me how much he loves me, and don’t bother with the nighty tonight, girlie.   My Mom and Dad have had a sleep today to prepare for the celebration and are both beaming, wearing their “best”, talking over each other, and niggling over details, (this is how they communicate after 55 years of happy marriage).   Dad with his stick, and Mom having recently “flung hers down” like the miracle in the Bible.   My parents:  elderly, frail, excited at the prospect of a party, wrap me in their love, pride and gratitude. 

I am surrounded by love and there is nothing more I need in my world.  This is what I have.    I am happy and I love my life. 

So let’s put Buddy on the CD and let this “cup runneth over” with champagne – it’s my party!